19.

Sometimes I have wondered how bad things must get in order for a situation to be considered the "worst possible situation." Putting any amount of thought into it tells me that it's completely relative, but - even so - how much can a person handle before he reaches that critical point where he can take no more? I hit my low point just over two years ago, but I was able to get out. I wasn't the cause of my bad times though. So it's also important to consider whether or not a person brings himself to his own low point or if he is brought to that point by circumstances he can't control. In either case, I think a person must act to get out. Even if it's hard or seems impossible, there's always some way to squeeze free. This escape may be hard to recognize and may not even be present at first, but it is never okay to give up.

18.

The semester has ended and winter break has gotten off to an awesome start! My hard work (and unnecessary stress) paid off once again and I am so relieved. Monday was great; I got to go to several Disney parks with a very good friend and then spent that night at my brother's. Today was also very good and I was able to rest up a bit. I'm not entirely sure what the following days will bring but I'm sure everything will be great! A few aspects of my mom's health have me concerned at the moment but I'm hopeful that everything regarding that situation will end up just fine. Recently, more than ever, I'm beginning to realize who's more important to me and also who I might be important to. I've never really been overly concerned with that sort of thing, but it is certainly nice. The holidays are growing closer at a faster rate each day and I know that in the blink of an eye they'll be fading out of view behind me. I'm going to work hard to enjoy them without stressing about the small things and let them pass as slowly as I can.

17.

A semester that I thought would never end is finally over. Now I just have to get through finals and it will be completely behind me. I can say I learned a great deal, but it was definitely not an easy process.

I am coming to realize that it is sometimes impossible to fully understand other people and their situations. Even if one can relate, everyone will view his or her own situation differently. A lack of complete understanding does not in any way mean a lack of sympathy and/or a desire to help and I wish this were more easily expressed. Every person (or at least most people) on earth has at least one cloudy moment in his or her life. This moment might be in childhood or it might be when the person is very old, but it still happens. I think if more people could understand this the world might be an easier place to live in.
A lot of the times people feel like they have nobody who cares about them or nowhere to go. Maybe this is true, but I feel that sometimes the problem is people dont't accept help being offered to them; maybe they don't even realize help is available. There are also the people who are too proud to accept help. I guess the main point I'm trying to make with these ramblings is that everyone has someone who cares about them; let people care about you sometimes and don't close up. Only an ignorant person would look down on another person for accepting help when he or she is having a tough time.

16.

It is now the first day of the last month of the year. It's funny how slowly time seems to drag by until you look back and realize how quickly it passed. A lot has happened in the past eleven months; a lot has changed. I now find myself at the beginning of the last week of my teenage years and I can't help wondering what the coming year (and years) will bring. Despite the temptation such thoughts bring as far as daydreaming and sidetracking are concerned, I have to stay focused and successfully finish the tasks immediately at hand. December is always a good month and I feel that I will appreciate it more than ever before this year. As exhausted and tired as I feel, the knowledge that all the work and time I put into everything I do will pay off gives me the energy to get through it and I will have a time to reflect on it and prepare for next year in the coming weeks..

15.

It was nice being home for a short while and getting to see some friends I haven't seen in a long time and also to visit with my family for a bit. I was able to exhibit my neutrality regarding trivial situations that don't directly involve me by seeing everyone in my family on Thanksgiving despite an ongoing family dispute. Life is too short (and I don't have the energy) to hold grudges against people in my own family especially when they've been forgiven by the people who were directly affected.

One more week of classes and one week until my birthday give me something to look forward to. Winter break will be much appreciated this year and hopefully I'll be able to get some much needed rest and visit with friends and family.

For the first time that I can remember I've been having dreams (that I actually remember) pretty regularly now. I wouldn't call all of them nightmares, but they are not exactly happy dreams either. In one of the dreams I had last week I cut my finger on an open box cutter that was in my pocket. The cut was ridiculously deep, but not bleeding. I told the people I was with that I had to go to the hospital to get stitches, but along my walk I kept bumping into people and stopping for conversation. The cut got progressively larger and seemed to relocate further down my finger. There was no pain so I wouldn't call it a bad dream by any means, but it was a strange one.

14.

It is now the weekend before Thanksgiving, and - perhaps - an appropriate time to consider the things we should be thankful for (or that we shouldn't be thankful for). Generally speaking, it seems like this time of year should be a pleasant and happy one for everybody, but it is naive to believe that this is actually the case. So many people are forced to face issues in their lives that they could otherwise ignore.
People with financial difficulties will fully realize the extent of their debts and the unfortunate weight money has on a person (and society as a whole) in today's world. Families that have long been divided may come back together during these days or the division between them might strengthen and acquire increasing permanence. People who are far from home might be sad and lonely without anyone to share these special days with.
I consider myself fortunate to have a family and friends to go home to and enjoy these days with. This should be a week where everyone can forget about their problems and just enjoy all the good things in their life for one day (at least one day). Everyone needs friends, and - if you are content with yours - make sure somebody you know isn't left out.

13.

On this fairly cold morning of November 21st, I begin lucky number 13! Thanksgiving is now less than a week away and I couldn't be more ready. This is the first time I've been this eager to get home (though I always miss it a little). This month has been the fastest one of my life! I've been so busy that these past 20 days have seemed like barely a week and I think it's time I put on the breaks a little so I can savor some of these days a little bit. I have noticed that the leaves up here are starting to change color on some of the trees (though most of them are still green). The bad dreams have not showed up again and I've been sleeping pretty well (when I try to sleep). I'm, surprisingly, very awake right now but will need to fix that seeing as I have class in less than eight hours. I'm excited about this weekend and look forward to having some free time to do some productive things unrelated to school in addition to studying and reading.

12.

My 20th birthday is fast approaching and I don't know how I feel about that. I realize that a year is a period of time devised by man, but something about not being a teen anymore just seems so strange. I realize I'm still young but the permanent removal of "teen" from my age is so permanent. I have to begin to accept the fact that two years from now I will have to be prepared to seriously begin my career and adult life. I'm just going to let things play themselves out and accept what life gives me, but it's the anticipation and uncertainty that causes my mind to wonder now.

11.

I haven't been sleeping very much over this past week, and (the time I have slept) I've had several unpleasant dreams.

I don't know what to make of the first one. It was the longest of the four I remember from this week and probably the worst. In this dream I was walking with my friends when one of them spotted a tornado and pointed it out to me. Nobody seemed alarmed by it despite it's close proximity. We began walking toward my friends house when there was an instant drop in pressure (like being in a vacuum) that made me feel like my head was going to explode. We all crowded onto the front porch of the house and one by one it appeared as if the spirits of my friends were being sucked out. I was the only one who lived. At the end of the dream I went inside very upset, but nobody seemed to be phased by what just happened.

The next two dreams all occurred in the same night. I know I had four dreams, but I only remember two of them well enough to write about.

In the first one I was sitting at a desk alone at the end of a very long T-shaped dock. It was pitch dark and though I could see the shape of the Tampa skyline behind me, I couldn't see land in any direction. Where there should have been water, it was just blackness. Then my friend's aunt (very strange that she should be there) came out and sat a burning joint on the desk. I looked up at her and she said "I don't know if this is yours, but I don't know what to do with it." I told her it wasn't and to get it away from me and she did. Then, sitting at the desk staring at nothing, I felt an overwhelming feeling of solitude as if the isolation I was currently experiencing were permanent. I got up and started walking down the dock until I was all of a sudden in my grandmother's kitchen. It was dark except for a dim yellow light and instead of my grandmother it was my friend's aunt holding the burning joint in her hand. I took it from her and threw it in the trash and stared at it burning and then I woke up.

In the second dream I was walking down the street of a seemingly old city with my room mates. It was night time and the streets were lit by yellow sodium lamps. I don't think it was a real city, but it seemed fairly large. At one point we came to an intersection and turned to go down a hill toward some club. I looked up and one of the residence halls on campus was at the end of the street with all of the lights off. I also noticed that there were no lights on in the club and that there were no people around. I told them the power must be out and we turned around and started back up the hill. I had a squirrel in my arms and when we got back to the intersection it jumped out and started running. At the same time a fox came from up the street and started chasing it. I called out to the squirrel and it ran and jumped back into my arms, but the fox was right behind it and continued running after it. When the fox jumped at my face, I woke up.

One thing I noticed in these last two dreams is that there was a lot of yellow. Yellow in dreams can (apparently) be a symbol of fear, cowardice, illness and other similar negative things. As for the other aspects of the dreams, I will have to do personal analysis on that. I just hope I can stop dreaming and start getting some peaceful sleep soon.

10b.

Okay, so where was I? Speaking about ties with people and my judgement on those ties. I doubt I'm the only person who knows people that seem like a positive presence in my life, but really just stir things up. Life would be better without them, but (by some strange effect of association) the tie is sometimes difficult to break. Maybe it's some subconscious desire to be associated with the person, or maybe it's just being scared to hurt someone or anger someone. Either way, it's something I need to work on. I need to improve my ability to recognize people who are going to keep me from moving forward and I need to let myself forget about them. Hopefully this will also help me to bring the people who care about me closer.

10a.

November is here, Daylight Savings time is over, and winter is quickly approaching. Through the crazy cloud of mayhem that life seems to become at times, I am more clearly seeing that even when I feel like I am backed into a corner I can't get out of, it is only a feeling. The realization of this fact is allowing me to be calmer about approaching certain situations and a little bit less worried about the smaller things that have always tended to bother me. My next personal mission is to harness the ability to break ties with people I feel I want to be associated with, but know that I shouldn't be. On top of that I suppose I should work harder to improve my judgement on such persons. I had planned to write more here, but I need sleep so that I can get up early. I will continue this in the morning or tomorrow night in post 10b.

9.

Today was a very busy day; it reminded me of when I was in high school. I didn't really get much of a chance to "do nothing" but being productive felt pretty good. Finally the colder weather is here and my spirits are definitely lifted because of it. I feel like finally all the pressure that's been on me recently might finally be letting up. I don't think it's the permanent relief that will come with winter vacation, but I'm happy to have a little while to catch my breath.

I've always considered myself fairly perceptive, but never really thought much about what that fact meant to me. Now, I'm realizing that I may be doubting myself way too much when I have certain feelings about situations. This being said, I don't know if I like that. It seems like sometimes it's easier to be happy when I'm in the dark. I guess the saying goes "ignorance is bliss" and now I realize it's true, but not good. Being happy and knowing is being truly happy.

8.

I find it interesting that I am most thoughtful in these early hours of the morning. I have to be up in seven hours and I haven't even gone to sleep yet. Right now I'm experiencing the effects of being awake for 20 hours and caffeine. I'm excited that it's Friday and that when I wake up it will still be Friday and then the weekend is here! I feel a little bad about the lack of interest I may have shown a couple of people today. It was definitely not because I wasn't interested, but rather because I wasn't capable of displaying my interest due to my sleepiness. Yesterday was good, but very tiring. The weekend should be even better.
November will be here soon! It should be a good month; even though it wasn't so good in 2006, it usually is one of the better months of the year. Hopefully the short time I'll be able to go home for Thanksgiving will be enjoyable and I will get to see as many people as I can. For now, I'll keep going with the flow; it's worked so far.

7.

The weather is finally cooling off! It's nice to be able to wear a jacket in the morning and evening. Soon, we'll be wearing them all day. Today was a good and fairly productive day. I early voted! I think everyone should. I did most of what I needed to do, but didn't quite focus on some studying as much as I should have. I'm very slowly starting to talk even more with people I have recently become more distanced from; it really can be difficult though! I'm hoping to get in a good amount of sleep tomorrow; I see no reason why I shouldn't be able to.

6.

Well it's been a few days since my last post; I was out of town and without access to the Internet. Lessons learned? Well I learned that people will do what they need to do to get by and, even if I don't agree with how they do it, it's not my right to judge them or deny them the ability to do so. We have all done things we regret or that someone will disapprove of and it is my view that nobody has the right to look down on anyone else when it comes down to it. Though I never have judged people, I have historically 'nudged' the people I care about most to do what is right. But I've been thinking; I've never walked a day in their shoes and even if I completely understand everything they've been through and can relate and sympathize, I can never truly feel what they feel. Maybe the unseen burdens they have to carry are so heavy that these little things I have so strongly disapproved of are a relief that - when it comes down to it - they really deserve. All I really want is for people to be happy, and, even though I urge people to make decisions that will make (and keep) them happy in the long run, I can see how they need immediate contentment by any means necessary. Life is too short to spend worrying about the small stuff. As long as other people's actions don't hurt them, me, or anyone else around them, the most important thing is that they are happy.

5.

In these past months and weeks it is interesting to see who and how people truly are. I'm not talking about people I know necessarily, but people everywhere in general. It's very difficult for me to understand how some people can think the way they do (or, rather not think). I see people doing things that are so blind and saying things that can't possibly have the backing of sound thought, and the worst part about it is they can't comprehend why some people might not agree. I could write a novel about this topic so, to prevent a ridiculously long post, I'll leave it at that. I know I promised a funny story, and I will write it soon. For now, I'm very tired and will pick up again tomorrow.

4.

I really need to get in the habbit of getting stuff done and getting to bed by midnight, but since I'm up I guess I'll write. I have a funny story, but I'll save that for tomorrow. Today was a pretty good day. I still find myself easily distractable and am working on fixing that. I got all of my homework done though, and - despite a lack of understanding in a few areas - I think I should be prepared for tomorrow (technically later today). I'm really looking forward to cooler weather. I love the days when there isn't a cloud in the sky and the wind feels cold on your face even when you're in the sun. That'll be November.

3.

I constantly find myself dealing with situations relating to alcohol and drugs. I've never been pressured into either, but there's some sort of exposure (whether through personal conversation or what I see) everywhere I go. I'm not a prohibitionist or anything like that, and I'm not opposed to the use of alcohol completely (as I can't deny having consumed it before myself). What bothers me is the fact that some people feel it will make things better or it will solve their problems; it bothers me when people feel like they need it. It doesn't make me angry or cause me to look down on them, but it makes me uneasy and it makes me worry. Whoever taught them that it was an acceptable solution to any problem? And really, when has it ever solved a problem for them? If the solution to life's problems were as simple as a yeasty, ethanol-rich, malt beverage, I would assume everyone on earth would be living an unbelievably happy life.
Alcohol aside, my views on drugs are very difficult for me to fully explain, but - simply put - I am opposed to their use. I'm not so much opposed to their use because of health reasons (though that is certainly a good reason for opposition), but more so because I feel it eliminates the human need for natural creativity. I think it's sad that some young people can't remember a time they had fun without the use of chemical assistance. Maybe I'm sheltered, but I think there are so many ways to enjoy life naturally. And if life gets tough, covering up the problem will not cause it to be solved.
These things don't anger me, but they do make me depressed sometimes. I've accepted the fact that it's just the way things are and that they will probably get worse as my life progresses, but I can't help but to be bothered by it. At least I can say that my fondest memories were a product of my mind and being with my friends/family and nothing more.

2.

So as I stumbled half awake down the sidewalk to my first class this morning, I saw up ahead of me two old men lunging at people with something in their hands. I noticed that most of the people raised their hand, declining whatever these men were so urgently offering to them. As I got closer, I realized they must be religious people and when I was almost to them I realized they were handing out little, green pocket bibles. I guess I didn't realize how intense the barrage was until I came closer to the men and tried to quietly pass between them unnoticed. It was probably just slightly less disturbing than a mugging would be as the bible man bounded 20 feet in less than a second to wave his little green book in my face. I kindly waved my hand to decline and kept walking. Continuing, I noticed another man literally blocking the door to Starbucks with his box of the same green books. I guess he figured nothing goes better with coffee than cream, sugar and God. Despite his insightful thoughts, I didn't see one person actually accept his holy offer. I safely made it to class and half forgot about these guys until I was on my way to my next class and saw yet another one standing right in the middle of the only possible path to where I had to go. Luckily he was busy assaulting other victims and I was able to scrape by behind him. In my next class - discussing the situation with my friend - I realized that I should have taken advantage of such an opportunity. I realized that if I were to pass by these guys 100 times, I could potentially collect a hundred of these little green books. If I had then sold them for $1-a-piece, I could've earned 100 bucks!!! What was I thinking? Next time I will be better prepared.

1.

Another weekend gone by. This year is flying by so fast it's hard to grab onto a minute before it passes. It's interesting how much has happened this year and how much has changed (not only in my life, but in the world in general). I find myself becoming so enveloped in work that I am losing contact with almost all of my friends that aren't immediately at hand. I suppose this is natural, but I think it comes partially as a result of my own procrastination; I'll try to work on it. At least with good friends it's possible to go months without talking to them or seeing them and when you see them again it seems as if you were never apart.

Intro

Hey everyone, not sure what exactly I'm going to write here; I guess whatever is on my mind. Should be good!