18.

The semester has ended and winter break has gotten off to an awesome start! My hard work (and unnecessary stress) paid off once again and I am so relieved. Monday was great; I got to go to several Disney parks with a very good friend and then spent that night at my brother's. Today was also very good and I was able to rest up a bit. I'm not entirely sure what the following days will bring but I'm sure everything will be great! A few aspects of my mom's health have me concerned at the moment but I'm hopeful that everything regarding that situation will end up just fine. Recently, more than ever, I'm beginning to realize who's more important to me and also who I might be important to. I've never really been overly concerned with that sort of thing, but it is certainly nice. The holidays are growing closer at a faster rate each day and I know that in the blink of an eye they'll be fading out of view behind me. I'm going to work hard to enjoy them without stressing about the small things and let them pass as slowly as I can.

17.

A semester that I thought would never end is finally over. Now I just have to get through finals and it will be completely behind me. I can say I learned a great deal, but it was definitely not an easy process.

I am coming to realize that it is sometimes impossible to fully understand other people and their situations. Even if one can relate, everyone will view his or her own situation differently. A lack of complete understanding does not in any way mean a lack of sympathy and/or a desire to help and I wish this were more easily expressed. Every person (or at least most people) on earth has at least one cloudy moment in his or her life. This moment might be in childhood or it might be when the person is very old, but it still happens. I think if more people could understand this the world might be an easier place to live in.
A lot of the times people feel like they have nobody who cares about them or nowhere to go. Maybe this is true, but I feel that sometimes the problem is people dont't accept help being offered to them; maybe they don't even realize help is available. There are also the people who are too proud to accept help. I guess the main point I'm trying to make with these ramblings is that everyone has someone who cares about them; let people care about you sometimes and don't close up. Only an ignorant person would look down on another person for accepting help when he or she is having a tough time.

16.

It is now the first day of the last month of the year. It's funny how slowly time seems to drag by until you look back and realize how quickly it passed. A lot has happened in the past eleven months; a lot has changed. I now find myself at the beginning of the last week of my teenage years and I can't help wondering what the coming year (and years) will bring. Despite the temptation such thoughts bring as far as daydreaming and sidetracking are concerned, I have to stay focused and successfully finish the tasks immediately at hand. December is always a good month and I feel that I will appreciate it more than ever before this year. As exhausted and tired as I feel, the knowledge that all the work and time I put into everything I do will pay off gives me the energy to get through it and I will have a time to reflect on it and prepare for next year in the coming weeks..

15.

It was nice being home for a short while and getting to see some friends I haven't seen in a long time and also to visit with my family for a bit. I was able to exhibit my neutrality regarding trivial situations that don't directly involve me by seeing everyone in my family on Thanksgiving despite an ongoing family dispute. Life is too short (and I don't have the energy) to hold grudges against people in my own family especially when they've been forgiven by the people who were directly affected.

One more week of classes and one week until my birthday give me something to look forward to. Winter break will be much appreciated this year and hopefully I'll be able to get some much needed rest and visit with friends and family.

For the first time that I can remember I've been having dreams (that I actually remember) pretty regularly now. I wouldn't call all of them nightmares, but they are not exactly happy dreams either. In one of the dreams I had last week I cut my finger on an open box cutter that was in my pocket. The cut was ridiculously deep, but not bleeding. I told the people I was with that I had to go to the hospital to get stitches, but along my walk I kept bumping into people and stopping for conversation. The cut got progressively larger and seemed to relocate further down my finger. There was no pain so I wouldn't call it a bad dream by any means, but it was a strange one.

14.

It is now the weekend before Thanksgiving, and - perhaps - an appropriate time to consider the things we should be thankful for (or that we shouldn't be thankful for). Generally speaking, it seems like this time of year should be a pleasant and happy one for everybody, but it is naive to believe that this is actually the case. So many people are forced to face issues in their lives that they could otherwise ignore.
People with financial difficulties will fully realize the extent of their debts and the unfortunate weight money has on a person (and society as a whole) in today's world. Families that have long been divided may come back together during these days or the division between them might strengthen and acquire increasing permanence. People who are far from home might be sad and lonely without anyone to share these special days with.
I consider myself fortunate to have a family and friends to go home to and enjoy these days with. This should be a week where everyone can forget about their problems and just enjoy all the good things in their life for one day (at least one day). Everyone needs friends, and - if you are content with yours - make sure somebody you know isn't left out.

13.

On this fairly cold morning of November 21st, I begin lucky number 13! Thanksgiving is now less than a week away and I couldn't be more ready. This is the first time I've been this eager to get home (though I always miss it a little). This month has been the fastest one of my life! I've been so busy that these past 20 days have seemed like barely a week and I think it's time I put on the breaks a little so I can savor some of these days a little bit. I have noticed that the leaves up here are starting to change color on some of the trees (though most of them are still green). The bad dreams have not showed up again and I've been sleeping pretty well (when I try to sleep). I'm, surprisingly, very awake right now but will need to fix that seeing as I have class in less than eight hours. I'm excited about this weekend and look forward to having some free time to do some productive things unrelated to school in addition to studying and reading.

12.

My 20th birthday is fast approaching and I don't know how I feel about that. I realize that a year is a period of time devised by man, but something about not being a teen anymore just seems so strange. I realize I'm still young but the permanent removal of "teen" from my age is so permanent. I have to begin to accept the fact that two years from now I will have to be prepared to seriously begin my career and adult life. I'm just going to let things play themselves out and accept what life gives me, but it's the anticipation and uncertainty that causes my mind to wonder now.

11.

I haven't been sleeping very much over this past week, and (the time I have slept) I've had several unpleasant dreams.

I don't know what to make of the first one. It was the longest of the four I remember from this week and probably the worst. In this dream I was walking with my friends when one of them spotted a tornado and pointed it out to me. Nobody seemed alarmed by it despite it's close proximity. We began walking toward my friends house when there was an instant drop in pressure (like being in a vacuum) that made me feel like my head was going to explode. We all crowded onto the front porch of the house and one by one it appeared as if the spirits of my friends were being sucked out. I was the only one who lived. At the end of the dream I went inside very upset, but nobody seemed to be phased by what just happened.

The next two dreams all occurred in the same night. I know I had four dreams, but I only remember two of them well enough to write about.

In the first one I was sitting at a desk alone at the end of a very long T-shaped dock. It was pitch dark and though I could see the shape of the Tampa skyline behind me, I couldn't see land in any direction. Where there should have been water, it was just blackness. Then my friend's aunt (very strange that she should be there) came out and sat a burning joint on the desk. I looked up at her and she said "I don't know if this is yours, but I don't know what to do with it." I told her it wasn't and to get it away from me and she did. Then, sitting at the desk staring at nothing, I felt an overwhelming feeling of solitude as if the isolation I was currently experiencing were permanent. I got up and started walking down the dock until I was all of a sudden in my grandmother's kitchen. It was dark except for a dim yellow light and instead of my grandmother it was my friend's aunt holding the burning joint in her hand. I took it from her and threw it in the trash and stared at it burning and then I woke up.

In the second dream I was walking down the street of a seemingly old city with my room mates. It was night time and the streets were lit by yellow sodium lamps. I don't think it was a real city, but it seemed fairly large. At one point we came to an intersection and turned to go down a hill toward some club. I looked up and one of the residence halls on campus was at the end of the street with all of the lights off. I also noticed that there were no lights on in the club and that there were no people around. I told them the power must be out and we turned around and started back up the hill. I had a squirrel in my arms and when we got back to the intersection it jumped out and started running. At the same time a fox came from up the street and started chasing it. I called out to the squirrel and it ran and jumped back into my arms, but the fox was right behind it and continued running after it. When the fox jumped at my face, I woke up.

One thing I noticed in these last two dreams is that there was a lot of yellow. Yellow in dreams can (apparently) be a symbol of fear, cowardice, illness and other similar negative things. As for the other aspects of the dreams, I will have to do personal analysis on that. I just hope I can stop dreaming and start getting some peaceful sleep soon.

10b.

Okay, so where was I? Speaking about ties with people and my judgement on those ties. I doubt I'm the only person who knows people that seem like a positive presence in my life, but really just stir things up. Life would be better without them, but (by some strange effect of association) the tie is sometimes difficult to break. Maybe it's some subconscious desire to be associated with the person, or maybe it's just being scared to hurt someone or anger someone. Either way, it's something I need to work on. I need to improve my ability to recognize people who are going to keep me from moving forward and I need to let myself forget about them. Hopefully this will also help me to bring the people who care about me closer.

10a.

November is here, Daylight Savings time is over, and winter is quickly approaching. Through the crazy cloud of mayhem that life seems to become at times, I am more clearly seeing that even when I feel like I am backed into a corner I can't get out of, it is only a feeling. The realization of this fact is allowing me to be calmer about approaching certain situations and a little bit less worried about the smaller things that have always tended to bother me. My next personal mission is to harness the ability to break ties with people I feel I want to be associated with, but know that I shouldn't be. On top of that I suppose I should work harder to improve my judgement on such persons. I had planned to write more here, but I need sleep so that I can get up early. I will continue this in the morning or tomorrow night in post 10b.