23.

I consider myself, for the most part, to be open minded and able to grasp abstract and complex ideas, but - when I am faced with something I can't understand - I find it difficult to relax my mind until I either find an answer or realize that there simply is no explanation. What I am about to describe mainly affects me when it is with regards to someone close or important to me, but the idea in general is one that concerns and troubles me to no end.

Most people with liberal views like myself would probably consider the legalization of marijuana as a logical step in the direction of "social liberation" or whatever one might call it. If I were put in a position to vote on the matter, however, I would have a more-than-difficult time deciding whether to vote for or against it.
On one hand, I do believe people should be able to make their own decisions in many situations, and be free do engage in such activities as long as no one else is negatively affected. On the other hand, although it may seem (and may really be) harmless at certain points in a person's life, there comes a point where it can begin affecting others. This may be uncommon, but it still happens, and I'm unsure if it is a risk worth taking. I also can't help that I do worry about people even if I might not know them.
I guess it's fair to say that, for me, the issue goes beyond legality. It's not important to me whether or not it is legal (people will use it either way), or whether or not it's dangerous or unhealthy. My problem is what it does to people's minds and to their overall thought process. My problem is that people become incapable of dealing with issues and stress independently after a while. My problem is that with such a short time to live, how can someone justify devoting so much time to nothingness when every person has the potential to go somewhere if they just choose the right roads to walk down?
Now, I know that not everyone wastes every hour of the day in a cloud of pot smoke. And I know that some people carry themselves well and are productive and whatnot. But not everyone is, and not everyone can handle something like that. The mind is a powerful and amazing tool and a healthy one requires no chemical assistance to function properly.
Another issue I have with pot smokers is that not only do they believe everyone on earth smokes pot, but they push anyone who doesn't use it to join them. Why? If there's nothing wrong with it and it and everybody is doing it, why is it necessary that a non-smoker be convinced to adopt the habit? Is it that a smoker is intimidated by a person who can function without it? Or is it that a smoker feels less insecure, less stupid, when they are not alone? Why?

I'm sure any answers I can provide myself for these questions will be rhetorical and will just cause my mind to turn over and over. And any answers I've ever gotten from other people simply allude to the fact that there is no reason; that this is one of the things in life that has no explanation and just happens because it happens. People do things to make themselves feel better and sometimes they just lack the imagination and strength to contemplate activities that give them such feelings so easily; it's just easy. Oh well. I'll survive either way. This has been my rant of the century.

22.

I often wondered why people love cats so much. Of course when they purr and rub up on you and stuff it's nice and I admit that I like my cat at home too. But if enough thought is put into it and you realize the creature doesn't even have the ability care about you and your happiness, maybe things aren't quite as they seem. For example, I went home for the weekend to find that the cat had smudged its crap (yes, literally, crap) on my blanket. What a sign of love! And someone might say "but it's just an animal!" (except for one girl my friend knows who apparently believes that "they're people too!") but that's not fair. If a person smudged his excrement on your bedspread, I don't think anyone would defend them by crying "but he was just tired!" or "he didn't know any better!" I don't know if I have a point in particular, but how pleasant can an animal really be when they demonstrate false love when they want something and smudge feces on your bed when they don't?

21. A Poem

In the dark early morning
There's no one around.
An apple core lies
On the cold, stony ground.
I suppose the uncertainty
That comes with the night
May be extinguished
With the first morning light.

But the confusion is compounded
With the first blinding ray
That comes from this star
Which gives this world day.
Things were much better
When the truth was unseen.
The dark gives us all shelter
From what we have been.

It's a sizable burden
That you have to bear.
And I challenge you gravely
To find just one soul that cares.
Because the sun will come up
And open your eyes.
And the cold, howling winds
Will dampen your cries.

20.

It's been a while since my last post, so I decided to write one this morning. A new year has begun and with it, i expect, will come many new opportunities. I don't think I have changed very much in the past year, but I have come to terms with and accepted many things - or at least I've realized that I have accepted them. Every day that I don't move forward is a day that is lost and I know that sooner or later I'm going to have to start jogging to keep up with the time.

My ability to get to sleep quickly has improved, but I seem to have lost my ability to stay asleep for very long. I'm tired, but I think my sleep schedule will normalize itself over time.

19.

Sometimes I have wondered how bad things must get in order for a situation to be considered the "worst possible situation." Putting any amount of thought into it tells me that it's completely relative, but - even so - how much can a person handle before he reaches that critical point where he can take no more? I hit my low point just over two years ago, but I was able to get out. I wasn't the cause of my bad times though. So it's also important to consider whether or not a person brings himself to his own low point or if he is brought to that point by circumstances he can't control. In either case, I think a person must act to get out. Even if it's hard or seems impossible, there's always some way to squeeze free. This escape may be hard to recognize and may not even be present at first, but it is never okay to give up.

18.

The semester has ended and winter break has gotten off to an awesome start! My hard work (and unnecessary stress) paid off once again and I am so relieved. Monday was great; I got to go to several Disney parks with a very good friend and then spent that night at my brother's. Today was also very good and I was able to rest up a bit. I'm not entirely sure what the following days will bring but I'm sure everything will be great! A few aspects of my mom's health have me concerned at the moment but I'm hopeful that everything regarding that situation will end up just fine. Recently, more than ever, I'm beginning to realize who's more important to me and also who I might be important to. I've never really been overly concerned with that sort of thing, but it is certainly nice. The holidays are growing closer at a faster rate each day and I know that in the blink of an eye they'll be fading out of view behind me. I'm going to work hard to enjoy them without stressing about the small things and let them pass as slowly as I can.

17.

A semester that I thought would never end is finally over. Now I just have to get through finals and it will be completely behind me. I can say I learned a great deal, but it was definitely not an easy process.

I am coming to realize that it is sometimes impossible to fully understand other people and their situations. Even if one can relate, everyone will view his or her own situation differently. A lack of complete understanding does not in any way mean a lack of sympathy and/or a desire to help and I wish this were more easily expressed. Every person (or at least most people) on earth has at least one cloudy moment in his or her life. This moment might be in childhood or it might be when the person is very old, but it still happens. I think if more people could understand this the world might be an easier place to live in.
A lot of the times people feel like they have nobody who cares about them or nowhere to go. Maybe this is true, but I feel that sometimes the problem is people dont't accept help being offered to them; maybe they don't even realize help is available. There are also the people who are too proud to accept help. I guess the main point I'm trying to make with these ramblings is that everyone has someone who cares about them; let people care about you sometimes and don't close up. Only an ignorant person would look down on another person for accepting help when he or she is having a tough time.

16.

It is now the first day of the last month of the year. It's funny how slowly time seems to drag by until you look back and realize how quickly it passed. A lot has happened in the past eleven months; a lot has changed. I now find myself at the beginning of the last week of my teenage years and I can't help wondering what the coming year (and years) will bring. Despite the temptation such thoughts bring as far as daydreaming and sidetracking are concerned, I have to stay focused and successfully finish the tasks immediately at hand. December is always a good month and I feel that I will appreciate it more than ever before this year. As exhausted and tired as I feel, the knowledge that all the work and time I put into everything I do will pay off gives me the energy to get through it and I will have a time to reflect on it and prepare for next year in the coming weeks..

15.

It was nice being home for a short while and getting to see some friends I haven't seen in a long time and also to visit with my family for a bit. I was able to exhibit my neutrality regarding trivial situations that don't directly involve me by seeing everyone in my family on Thanksgiving despite an ongoing family dispute. Life is too short (and I don't have the energy) to hold grudges against people in my own family especially when they've been forgiven by the people who were directly affected.

One more week of classes and one week until my birthday give me something to look forward to. Winter break will be much appreciated this year and hopefully I'll be able to get some much needed rest and visit with friends and family.

For the first time that I can remember I've been having dreams (that I actually remember) pretty regularly now. I wouldn't call all of them nightmares, but they are not exactly happy dreams either. In one of the dreams I had last week I cut my finger on an open box cutter that was in my pocket. The cut was ridiculously deep, but not bleeding. I told the people I was with that I had to go to the hospital to get stitches, but along my walk I kept bumping into people and stopping for conversation. The cut got progressively larger and seemed to relocate further down my finger. There was no pain so I wouldn't call it a bad dream by any means, but it was a strange one.

14.

It is now the weekend before Thanksgiving, and - perhaps - an appropriate time to consider the things we should be thankful for (or that we shouldn't be thankful for). Generally speaking, it seems like this time of year should be a pleasant and happy one for everybody, but it is naive to believe that this is actually the case. So many people are forced to face issues in their lives that they could otherwise ignore.
People with financial difficulties will fully realize the extent of their debts and the unfortunate weight money has on a person (and society as a whole) in today's world. Families that have long been divided may come back together during these days or the division between them might strengthen and acquire increasing permanence. People who are far from home might be sad and lonely without anyone to share these special days with.
I consider myself fortunate to have a family and friends to go home to and enjoy these days with. This should be a week where everyone can forget about their problems and just enjoy all the good things in their life for one day (at least one day). Everyone needs friends, and - if you are content with yours - make sure somebody you know isn't left out.