36.

 It was just over a year ago when I first started writing this blog and - like with most things that are new to people - I payed much more attention to it then. I guess I've become much more busy than I was last year, but, more than that, I don't think I fully understand my feelings and thoughts as well as I used to. One would think that given the change in my situation since then, the opposite would be true. Some say that a person in the closet is "lying to himself" but the more I think about it, the more I realize that's not quite true. There is a large difference between lying to yourself and lying to others. I think it's perfectly possible for a person to be comfortable with himself or herself and still not want others to know certain things about them; maybe they don't feel it's necessary that anyone knows.      I hardly believe that's the only element involved in my more-limited expression of thought, but I do see now that stability in ones life does not necessarily suggest stability in one's mind. We all, at times, find ourselvevs in situations that require self-censorship and maybe (subconsciously) I feel that an outward expression of my ideas is not warranted by my current situation or desired by others. I know that the likelihood that very many people will ever see this is low, yet I still write here. Whatever the case, I want to try to write more frequently. It not only allows me to vent, but also allows me to go back and review previous thoughts that I may have forgotten and follow my own thought process; it can help me better understand myself.

35.

Time is flying by and I feel that I will - at some point - need to slow done and better digest everything that is going on around me. We all seem to get in a routine of just going through the motions of the day-to-day and never actually actively enjoying what is going on around us. At times it seems life becomes monotonous and every day is the same thing from dawn to dusk, but there is something unique in each day and, though they may not always stand out, it is the summation of these small, unique events that makes life interesting and beautiful.

These little events may be something as small as seeing a spider spin a web on the way to work or class in the morning, talking to someone you don't know (and never will) about something random on the bus as if you've known them forever, or doing any one of a million things that might make someone else look up and smile for a moment even though things may not be so great for them at the moment and you, in turn, might smile too. Some may define life as the total elapsed time between birth and death, but I believe if all of the things that happen every day without change are reduced to singular events and shuffled in with the unique experiences that we can get a better picture of what life is all about.

When I was a little kid, I could sit by a pond for hours watching tadpoles swim around. And, after school, it would excite me to be able to bring them bread and watch them grow. It was so fascinating how they grew little legs then little arms and then, one day they were gone. I might have been disappointed when I first got to the shore and realized it, but I was happy to have watched them grow. Another time I grew moths from caterpillars; the story goes the same way. Things are so much different now, though. Nobody stops and looks at tadpoles anymore. We look at frogs and we look at moths and butterflies and we don't think (or even care to think) about how they got to be what they are. Maybe these things are not interesting to us because they are no longer something new and any "magic" that our young imaginations used to conjure up to explain things has been dispelled by logic. Sometimes, I want to be illogical though. I want to imagine and dream like I did when I was a child, and I want to say "maybe" instead of "yes" or "no."

I think we should all live more lightheartedly. We should be more imaginative and pause to notice and appreciate all the little things that go on around us every day through the fog of our busy lives. Though half of progress may be through hard work and logic, I believe the other half is through dreams and imagination. This is obvious when you consider that there are many things (cars, radios, TVs, etc.) that are part of our lives now that have not been around forever; at one point they had to be dreamed of in the minds of men and women who were not scared to be "illogical."

34.

It's been a month since I last wrote and though I'm fairly certain it's been longer than that then anything I've written has been read, it often helps me to clear my mind if i write down my thoughs. Classes have begun and I feel that this semester will be a challenging, but passible, one and I am prepared to work hard for a few months.

It seems like every day I notice things about people that makes it easier to read people. Sometimes when we want things or expect things and other people don't provide them we see it as an attack or offence when it actually may be lack of action all together. We, in our routines, sometimes believe that others have the same motives we do when in reality everyone is driven by something different. I guess that's why it's best that everyone focuses on himself first and then others. I, however, almost exclusively put the needs of others first; making people happy makes me happy. Maybe I should work on that, but I suppose as long as things continue going well I shouldn't dwell on it too much.

33.

I couldn't sleep so I thought it would be an appropriate time for an entry. I recently found a quote i had written down sometime in ninth or tenth grade that said "The world is not a place where you can sit and watch things pass by; it is a place where you must get up and make them pass by." I suppose that statement is somewhat cliche, but thinking about it further i wonder if it might even be a bit naive. Though we would certainly like to make things happen in our own lives, and though we definitely can make things happen, the amount of control we have over the big picture is limited. Sometimes life trying to make things happen is the best we can do and there's nothing wrong with that. The most important thing is that we do try. There are many people in the world that try to point others (sometimes unknowingly) in the wrong direction. Sometimes it is tough to see through smile and promises to the truth. We must all, therefore, try to do what we believe - or know - is right even if it's the more difficult or less clear course of action.

32.

It's been quite some time since I posted, and given the significance (to me at least) of my previous post, a follow up seems only appropriate. As I sit here in San Sebastián, Puerto Rico, listening to the insects and coquíes, and feeling the warm breeze of the fan, it's quite simple for me to reflect on the past month and just how much has actually happened. I have seen that something I've been scared of, something that I thought was a big deal, hasn't really affected the way anyone views me. I found that everyone I felt was a good friend, was - in fact - a good friend, and that love and friendship go (as I believed before) far beyond the surface. I also have seen what love is truly like and continue to see what it is like and it's much more than I could have ever imagined and I carry it with me always.

31.

I've always been a fairly confident person - and a fairly brave one - but until recently I've had trouble facing up to one major aspect of who I am. Coming to terms with myself has not been easy and for nearly nine years I have been scared of it. Looking back, I never expected to be open about my sexuality, but I was young and unreasonably fearful of the opinions of others. In January of this year, I met someone who would change all of this; someone who I knew I could be happy with and I knew that it was something special and worth changing for. As the months have passed, I've slowly become more and more comfortable with the aspect of being gay and being out and I have seen that people aren't as disapproving as I feared. I have seen that good friends remain good friends no matter what.

I've always understood what love was, and have known what it is and how it works; I've known the general nature of it. Feeling it is completely different. Feeling so connected to someone is very special and knowing that someone cares about you just as much as you care about them is one of the best feelings in the world. It was love that help me overcome my fear because I knew that no matter what happened, I would still have that.

Looking back, I find myself wishing I had been open about it a long time ago because then at this point I would have nothing to hide and things might flow more smoothly. At the same time, I think this process may have made us (myself for sure) stronger. I suppose I just needed a reason and now I found it (or maybe it found me!). Putting all thoughts and regrets aside, I believe my life can be more fulfilling than ever now and I look forward to whatever lies ahead of me. As with many situations, late is better than never and I'm just lucky that someone was willing to be patient with me and give me a chance.

Thank you to all of my friends who have always been there for me and who continue to do so. You know who you are.

30.

Today seems to be an ironically appropriate day to write about what happened yesterday...

Yesterday, my friends father who was down visiting for three days(after not seeing him in two years) decided to take him to the beach; St. George Island to be more specific. My friend knew his father smokes pot, but didn't expect he would in front of him, especially considering they had only three days to visit each other. About twenty miles out of Tallahassee, his stepmother pulled out a joint and when he asked what she was doing, she said that she was going to smoke. When he said that he didn't want them to smoke while he was riding in the car, they basically said "too bad." The end result was that they left him on the side of the road near some park and drove off and then came back for him and they continued to the beach with much argument. He asked if I would come get him and I gladly made the drive down there.

The long drive gave me a lot of time to think and the scenery seemed to fit the mood very well. The sky was blanketed in grey clouds and when I finally got along the coastal highway, the Gulf even looked as if it were angry. The dead tree trunks had the sand eroded away from beneath them and the roots were grabbing at the air and the grey sky over dark brown water with white-capped waves was a somewhat emotional sight. I'm not going to elaborate, but many of my thoughts went back to my own past.

To analyze the situation, I don't know what kind of man does that to his son. I understand that people will do what they do, but when requested by someone you care about to refrain temporarily, it doesn't seem like it should be a very difficult decision at all. How can one give up one of the greater pleasures in life, or put it aside, for a false sense of satisfaction and live with himself? My friend then, understandably, felt to some degree that his father didn't (or couldn't) enjoy spending time with him without being high. Thinking of this not only saddens me, it makes me angry. I'll leave any further thoughts to the reader.

29. A little autobiographical excerpt

Sometimes I think I put a little too much on my plate. There has been more than one time in my life where I was out the door before the sun came up and didn't get back until it set again. My reasons used to be different though. I used to be gone all day for the simple reason that I just didn't want to be home. Home wasn't entirely unpleasant, but there were aspects about being there that I preferred to avoid. Even this scenario played out in two phases.

When I was in middle school, my dad began dating this woman. For the purpose of excluding names, I'll call her 'Woman.' It may be important to note that when they met, they were both under the influence of alcohol at my dad's friend's party. Also interesting that my dad, drunk as he was, volunteered to give Woman a ride home (along with my brother, my brother's friend, and myself). At first she seemed like good company and was pleasant enough, but things changed over time. As it would turn out this southern belle possessed the wonderfully pleasing southern superstitions, some other inconvenient idiosyncrasies, and an affinity for nose candy and its smokeable counterpart (the latter would not come into play until toward the end of the 'union' though). She may not have been all bad, but it was enough to keep me away from the house when I could and to keep me in my room when I was home. She is the only person my dad ever dated that I didn't like.

After Woman and my dad split, she left one bad habit I mentioned in the previous paragraph with my dad. Passing this habit along was no doubt very easy as my dad had been smoking pot since he was a young teen and it probably did no more than to keep him running normal in this time thirty years later. I had become accustomed to dealing with my dad's one habit beginning when, at the age of ten, my brother and I found papers under the seat of his car. And - even before that - I remember as a small child seeing him smoke "home made cigarettes" in front of my brother and me when my parents were still together. This habit may have made my dad lazy at times and made his room off limits at all times but the affects never horribly affected me.
With the new addiction, though it took some time to notice, the affects were obvious.

The first noticeable things began happening in tenth grade. My dad could no longer afford the house he had been living in so we moved into a rental. Then there was the occasional power going out because him not paying the bill. Lack of electricity was a nuisance, but thanks to friends and nearby family it was never more than that. That progressed to my dad's absence for weeks at a time with no communication (which continued until I moved out). Even though he was gone for a long time, he would always come back. My brother would always worry and I would say "he's fine, he's always fine, he'll come back." What else was I supposed to say? We both had jobs so food was never an issue and I was busy and not wanting to think about it so I wasn't home a lot anyway. After being arrested and having the car confiscated it seemed like he may have been scared into getting things back in order a little bit, but this was not the case. One day senior year, he asked me to pee in a cup for him because they were doing a drug test for him at work. I said "no because it would make me just as guilty as you." I have received both praise and criticism from the few people who know about this, but I know that the decision I made was the right one and my dad is better now thanks, in part, to my decision. After this there was a car accident and unpaid insurance which ultimately lead to me moving in with my grandparents, my brother moving in with my mom, and my dad going to live with his mom and then onto rehab. The rest of this story is for another time.

Now, there are no problems like there were then. Aside from having a lot of homework and difficult tests, life really is quite simple. I still, however, have been finding myself being away from home a lot (to clarify, I mean home at school). It's funny how, even when things are good, habits developed in certain situations seem to stick even after those situations no longer exist. I have met new people and have developed multiple circles of friends and, so far, I have not stretched myself to thin, but I have found that every once in a while these circles are consolidated and everything gets back to its normal easy flow once more.

28.

Four more weeks until summer and I'm as ready as I've ever been. I haven't had a break longer than a few weeks since college started and I look forward to it; I likely won't know what to do with myself. I mainly look forward to spending time with family and friends back home. I miss them. There was never much drama (aside from a minor argument here and there), and never trouble; I have been able to avoid both things here, but it is far more difficult. It's funny, considering that I met them when I was at an age that certain situations and activities weren't even thought of and, somehow (either due to luck or good judgement on my part) they all turned out to avoid the same ones that I not only avoid, but am against.

I've always felt bad for people who fell under the influence of bad "friends" or bad people in general and - as I've seen first hand cases of this in people closer to me more recently -I wish people were sometimes less scared to tell another person "go to hell" because it would be "unfriendly" or they might upset someone.

I remember when I used to be entirely optimistic and thought that, no matter what, everything would end up okay. But even then, I was able to tell when I might have been better off not letting certain people too close. Certain things that have happened over the past two or three years have certainly made me more realistic about things and I have realized that being wary of people is one thing, but - for me at least - there is no reason to be scared. I think other people should be scared sometimes, but I'm not likely to be swayed from the things I truly believe in.

Do I think people who influence (or convince) another person to do the wrong thing or to do something harmful to themselves is actively thinking about doing harm to that person? Of course not, though I'm sure it does happen in some circles. I do, however, think that the fact that they don't care or think about what they're doing is just as bad if not worse. Maybe it is hard for them to have foresight, but it's hard to even consider that when you consider that the person cares so little that it doesn't even begin to cross their mind, and if the person who is being convinced has trust in his/her "friend", it's unlikely motives or reasons (whether or not they exist) will be questioned. Naivety is interesting because different people may have advanced insight and understanding in certain areas of life, and a complete lack thereof in others. One should love his friends, value his friends, and respect his friends, but nobody should be scared to question his friends if ever there is doubt.

27.

As my understanding of human ignorance becomes more clear, the realization of how vast this epidemic of benightedness has become - or perhaps has always been - gives me a pit in my stomach; a very acute feeling of uneasiness. I realize it's pessimistic to assume that everyone is lying to you, and I don't feel that way, but still I believe I give too many people the benefit of the doubt. To some a smile and a promise signify the highest possible level of security, but the truth of the matter is that both can me faked. More often than not, it seems, motive is not easily seen.

There are certain people I don't like (as I'm sure is the case with almost everyone). I am by no means incapable of getting along with everyone I meet, but there are some people I would rather not get along with. I have been criticized by more than one person for judging people, but I think that criticism stems from a lack of understanding of what I mean when I say judge. Prejudging is one thing, but judging someone based on how they act, what they do, and how they treat other people seems not only reasonable but expected. It is unwise not to judge people at all because eventually someone is going to take advantage of another person's self inflicted naivety.