Today seems to be an ironically appropriate day to write about what happened yesterday...
Yesterday, my friends father who was down visiting for three days(after not seeing him in two years) decided to take him to the beach; St. George Island to be more specific. My friend knew his father smokes pot, but didn't expect he would in front of him, especially considering they had only three days to visit each other. About twenty miles out of Tallahassee, his stepmother pulled out a joint and when he asked what she was doing, she said that she was going to smoke. When he said that he didn't want them to smoke while he was riding in the car, they basically said "too bad." The end result was that they left him on the side of the road near some park and drove off and then came back for him and they continued to the beach with much argument. He asked if I would come get him and I gladly made the drive down there.
The long drive gave me a lot of time to think and the scenery seemed to fit the mood very well. The sky was blanketed in grey clouds and when I finally got along the coastal highway, the Gulf even looked as if it were angry. The dead tree trunks had the sand eroded away from beneath them and the roots were grabbing at the air and the grey sky over dark brown water with white-capped waves was a somewhat emotional sight. I'm not going to elaborate, but many of my thoughts went back to my own past.
To analyze the situation, I don't know what kind of man does that to his son. I understand that people will do what they do, but when requested by someone you care about to refrain temporarily, it doesn't seem like it should be a very difficult decision at all. How can one give up one of the greater pleasures in life, or put it aside, for a false sense of satisfaction and live with himself? My friend then, understandably, felt to some degree that his father didn't (or couldn't) enjoy spending time with him without being high. Thinking of this not only saddens me, it makes me angry. I'll leave any further thoughts to the reader.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
29. A little autobiographical excerpt
Sometimes I think I put a little too much on my plate. There has been more than one time in my life where I was out the door before the sun came up and didn't get back until it set again. My reasons used to be different though. I used to be gone all day for the simple reason that I just didn't want to be home. Home wasn't entirely unpleasant, but there were aspects about being there that I preferred to avoid. Even this scenario played out in two phases.
When I was in middle school, my dad began dating this woman. For the purpose of excluding names, I'll call her 'Woman.' It may be important to note that when they met, they were both under the influence of alcohol at my dad's friend's party. Also interesting that my dad, drunk as he was, volunteered to give Woman a ride home (along with my brother, my brother's friend, and myself). At first she seemed like good company and was pleasant enough, but things changed over time. As it would turn out this southern belle possessed the wonderfully pleasing southern superstitions, some other inconvenient idiosyncrasies, and an affinity for nose candy and its smokeable counterpart (the latter would not come into play until toward the end of the 'union' though). She may not have been all bad, but it was enough to keep me away from the house when I could and to keep me in my room when I was home. She is the only person my dad ever dated that I didn't like.
After Woman and my dad split, she left one bad habit I mentioned in the previous paragraph with my dad. Passing this habit along was no doubt very easy as my dad had been smoking pot since he was a young teen and it probably did no more than to keep him running normal in this time thirty years later. I had become accustomed to dealing with my dad's one habit beginning when, at the age of ten, my brother and I found papers under the seat of his car. And - even before that - I remember as a small child seeing him smoke "home made cigarettes" in front of my brother and me when my parents were still together. This habit may have made my dad lazy at times and made his room off limits at all times but the affects never horribly affected me.
With the new addiction, though it took some time to notice, the affects were obvious.
The first noticeable things began happening in tenth grade. My dad could no longer afford the house he had been living in so we moved into a rental. Then there was the occasional power going out because him not paying the bill. Lack of electricity was a nuisance, but thanks to friends and nearby family it was never more than that. That progressed to my dad's absence for weeks at a time with no communication (which continued until I moved out). Even though he was gone for a long time, he would always come back. My brother would always worry and I would say "he's fine, he's always fine, he'll come back." What else was I supposed to say? We both had jobs so food was never an issue and I was busy and not wanting to think about it so I wasn't home a lot anyway. After being arrested and having the car confiscated it seemed like he may have been scared into getting things back in order a little bit, but this was not the case. One day senior year, he asked me to pee in a cup for him because they were doing a drug test for him at work. I said "no because it would make me just as guilty as you." I have received both praise and criticism from the few people who know about this, but I know that the decision I made was the right one and my dad is better now thanks, in part, to my decision. After this there was a car accident and unpaid insurance which ultimately lead to me moving in with my grandparents, my brother moving in with my mom, and my dad going to live with his mom and then onto rehab. The rest of this story is for another time.
Now, there are no problems like there were then. Aside from having a lot of homework and difficult tests, life really is quite simple. I still, however, have been finding myself being away from home a lot (to clarify, I mean home at school). It's funny how, even when things are good, habits developed in certain situations seem to stick even after those situations no longer exist. I have met new people and have developed multiple circles of friends and, so far, I have not stretched myself to thin, but I have found that every once in a while these circles are consolidated and everything gets back to its normal easy flow once more.
When I was in middle school, my dad began dating this woman. For the purpose of excluding names, I'll call her 'Woman.' It may be important to note that when they met, they were both under the influence of alcohol at my dad's friend's party. Also interesting that my dad, drunk as he was, volunteered to give Woman a ride home (along with my brother, my brother's friend, and myself). At first she seemed like good company and was pleasant enough, but things changed over time. As it would turn out this southern belle possessed the wonderfully pleasing southern superstitions, some other inconvenient idiosyncrasies, and an affinity for nose candy and its smokeable counterpart (the latter would not come into play until toward the end of the 'union' though). She may not have been all bad, but it was enough to keep me away from the house when I could and to keep me in my room when I was home. She is the only person my dad ever dated that I didn't like.
After Woman and my dad split, she left one bad habit I mentioned in the previous paragraph with my dad. Passing this habit along was no doubt very easy as my dad had been smoking pot since he was a young teen and it probably did no more than to keep him running normal in this time thirty years later. I had become accustomed to dealing with my dad's one habit beginning when, at the age of ten, my brother and I found papers under the seat of his car. And - even before that - I remember as a small child seeing him smoke "home made cigarettes" in front of my brother and me when my parents were still together. This habit may have made my dad lazy at times and made his room off limits at all times but the affects never horribly affected me.
With the new addiction, though it took some time to notice, the affects were obvious.
The first noticeable things began happening in tenth grade. My dad could no longer afford the house he had been living in so we moved into a rental. Then there was the occasional power going out because him not paying the bill. Lack of electricity was a nuisance, but thanks to friends and nearby family it was never more than that. That progressed to my dad's absence for weeks at a time with no communication (which continued until I moved out). Even though he was gone for a long time, he would always come back. My brother would always worry and I would say "he's fine, he's always fine, he'll come back." What else was I supposed to say? We both had jobs so food was never an issue and I was busy and not wanting to think about it so I wasn't home a lot anyway. After being arrested and having the car confiscated it seemed like he may have been scared into getting things back in order a little bit, but this was not the case. One day senior year, he asked me to pee in a cup for him because they were doing a drug test for him at work. I said "no because it would make me just as guilty as you." I have received both praise and criticism from the few people who know about this, but I know that the decision I made was the right one and my dad is better now thanks, in part, to my decision. After this there was a car accident and unpaid insurance which ultimately lead to me moving in with my grandparents, my brother moving in with my mom, and my dad going to live with his mom and then onto rehab. The rest of this story is for another time.
Now, there are no problems like there were then. Aside from having a lot of homework and difficult tests, life really is quite simple. I still, however, have been finding myself being away from home a lot (to clarify, I mean home at school). It's funny how, even when things are good, habits developed in certain situations seem to stick even after those situations no longer exist. I have met new people and have developed multiple circles of friends and, so far, I have not stretched myself to thin, but I have found that every once in a while these circles are consolidated and everything gets back to its normal easy flow once more.
Friday, April 3, 2009
28.
Four more weeks until summer and I'm as ready as I've ever been. I haven't had a break longer than a few weeks since college started and I look forward to it; I likely won't know what to do with myself. I mainly look forward to spending time with family and friends back home. I miss them. There was never much drama (aside from a minor argument here and there), and never trouble; I have been able to avoid both things here, but it is far more difficult. It's funny, considering that I met them when I was at an age that certain situations and activities weren't even thought of and, somehow (either due to luck or good judgement on my part) they all turned out to avoid the same ones that I not only avoid, but am against.
I've always felt bad for people who fell under the influence of bad "friends" or bad people in general and - as I've seen first hand cases of this in people closer to me more recently -I wish people were sometimes less scared to tell another person "go to hell" because it would be "unfriendly" or they might upset someone.
I remember when I used to be entirely optimistic and thought that, no matter what, everything would end up okay. But even then, I was able to tell when I might have been better off not letting certain people too close. Certain things that have happened over the past two or three years have certainly made me more realistic about things and I have realized that being wary of people is one thing, but - for me at least - there is no reason to be scared. I think other people should be scared sometimes, but I'm not likely to be swayed from the things I truly believe in.
Do I think people who influence (or convince) another person to do the wrong thing or to do something harmful to themselves is actively thinking about doing harm to that person? Of course not, though I'm sure it does happen in some circles. I do, however, think that the fact that they don't care or think about what they're doing is just as bad if not worse. Maybe it is hard for them to have foresight, but it's hard to even consider that when you consider that the person cares so little that it doesn't even begin to cross their mind, and if the person who is being convinced has trust in his/her "friend", it's unlikely motives or reasons (whether or not they exist) will be questioned. Naivety is interesting because different people may have advanced insight and understanding in certain areas of life, and a complete lack thereof in others. One should love his friends, value his friends, and respect his friends, but nobody should be scared to question his friends if ever there is doubt.
I've always felt bad for people who fell under the influence of bad "friends" or bad people in general and - as I've seen first hand cases of this in people closer to me more recently -I wish people were sometimes less scared to tell another person "go to hell" because it would be "unfriendly" or they might upset someone.
I remember when I used to be entirely optimistic and thought that, no matter what, everything would end up okay. But even then, I was able to tell when I might have been better off not letting certain people too close. Certain things that have happened over the past two or three years have certainly made me more realistic about things and I have realized that being wary of people is one thing, but - for me at least - there is no reason to be scared. I think other people should be scared sometimes, but I'm not likely to be swayed from the things I truly believe in.
Do I think people who influence (or convince) another person to do the wrong thing or to do something harmful to themselves is actively thinking about doing harm to that person? Of course not, though I'm sure it does happen in some circles. I do, however, think that the fact that they don't care or think about what they're doing is just as bad if not worse. Maybe it is hard for them to have foresight, but it's hard to even consider that when you consider that the person cares so little that it doesn't even begin to cross their mind, and if the person who is being convinced has trust in his/her "friend", it's unlikely motives or reasons (whether or not they exist) will be questioned. Naivety is interesting because different people may have advanced insight and understanding in certain areas of life, and a complete lack thereof in others. One should love his friends, value his friends, and respect his friends, but nobody should be scared to question his friends if ever there is doubt.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)